Why is it that every time I want to be thankful around here I get smacked in the face with "it's my duty". Holy crap. I don't like that phrase. But why DON'T I like it? That is the question. People all around me are doing things, but are doing it because from childhood it is instilled in them as a duty to be hospitable or honoring or whatever. It makes things feel cheap to me. I get reprimanded by my friends for thanking them for things. I am told I should expect it and not show thankfulness. Is that screwed up to anyone else?

How will I know anyone is ever doing things because they actually WANT to instead of operating like a robot and doing because they have to. Blah! I think if we operate solely out of "duty" instead of choice it some how loses power, heart, passion, whatever word I want to find but can't seem to settle on right now. I don't want to operate out of "duty" but I want to be driven because my heart pushes me forward to do something. If I do something it is because it is from "me" and not from what others tell me I should be.
BUT is there actual power in choosing to obey the call of duty? I want to tell someone "well done for the strength you are using to obey the call to duty," but then I feel as though I don't respect choices made out of duty that go against what one would really in their heart want. Maybe because duty to me seems as though someone else is controlling you and your life...where if you are given a choice then you are being who you should, could, would be. I want to see into the soul of people...not have to forge through the fru fru facade first and figure it out later. Can there be real depth without choice? Maybe I am a choice monger...

Today I realized I am thankful I am not who I was 2 years ago. I am thankful I live in a place that makes me think. I am thankful I can read and be challenged to figure out what I really think about things. I am thankful that God allows me the freedom to wander about and ponder life. I realized I want people in my life who maybe don't have it all figured out. Those who will let me walk and wander and stand beside me knowing that down the road things will work out some how, some way. I don't want to return home to the uptight, expectations, socially appropriateness etc. Things have changed.

OH. I forgot. I beat Benny Wenny in tennis today. Take that mr. man! There will be no bragging for you today. ;)